44. Snowball running

Nat said, "Got to give credit to yourself"

I replied, "Like what?", running through my mind were the new pink headphones i had planned to get, maybe some new converse chucks will do just fine.

"Like be happy?"

I was dumbfounded at that instant.

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Life is at the lowest point right now.

1) i am a loser i am still fretting after two years

2) my grandfather has only approx 6 more months to live

he has cancer. the news came like ice water on my hair, all that was running through my head was to make his last Christmas the best one that he probably never had. i told some of my friends, i think concealing my pain well had made them think that it wasn't a big blow to me, and perhaps made them think i did not need anyone to get through this.

3) i have o levels this year

blah.

Today Nat told me i was the strong one she could never be.

Why am i strong (if you think so) ?

everyday i go home to face the same sad faces who return from the hospital, see my mum fighting hard to not cry, see my dad's growth in his throat, his white hair, his age and his stress to keep the bloody family going. everyday i go to school and i feel fucking happy there because i don't have to stay home and watch these scenes, then i look all happy and cool with things while at the same time my fucking life is actually like a time bomb strapped onto me. and like i can't cry at home it will add on to my parents' stress, i can't cry in school with all my happy friends, it's such a spoilsport. I can't find somebody who would tell me the right things to make me feel better, to tell me what to do and what not to, to hold on, to compliment me for being brave, to encourage me to continue being strong, to at least tell me about a place i can cry without making anyone worry.

Since the first time Valerie Koo painted my class flag white in (that i took hours to complete) Secondary 1, when i have fights with my friends, when shit happens within the family, when i fail my tests, all i do is hide in the music room washroom, find a nice cubicle, sit down and cry. Then i tell myself that after i cry i will wash my bloody face and when i walk out of the toilet i will leave all my problems there. Once i failed a chemistry test, i cried so hard and when i came out of the bloody toilet i saw my chemistry teacher, i instantly plastered on a wide smile and went all cheery "Good Morning Miss X, Oh, i have sore eyes! " I should win an Oscar and hell yeah that is the way my life works. But as i grow up i realise that the cubicle wasn't a place to spend recess, so i'ld rather bottle it up and hope that by some incredibly magical forces may it sink and gradually disappear into pillows or get left behind in the toilet, unattended to. My reasons and equations and instructions and comfort and compliments and encouragement all come from myself. Great, now i have to tackle my integration and at the same time try to hide from the fact that my grandpa is dying. If i only have myself left with myself,

How can I afford to be weak?

After all, I am all that i am and have.

If everything happens for a reason,

even if God's plan for me hurts,

I try to be happy with them.